In this moment...

Sunday, July 27
A date I have had on my calendar and in my head for my whole time in Belize…it is the day that Melanie and the rest of the Sports Servants crew were scheduled to depart, and that they did, this morning. As they drove out, I felt a combination of emotions, mainly sadness. Not knowing what to do, I went straight to my computer to google talk with my family and to email with some friends, which filled some void but to be honest, I still wasn’t feeling fully satisfied. I then opened up my journal and it was there, that I found my honest emotions opening up and penetrating my heart; it was there that I felt the biggest hug of all, from the Lord. He has, in so many ways, some of which I have detailed in past blogs, met me down here in Belize-ways where He has shown up, surprised me, made me smile and yes, given me hugs, but it was this afternoon, as I sat in the heat of the afternoon Belizean sun(I know, it’s the same sun in the states, but for me, it is a Belizean sun:) that I felt His warm embrace, hugging me and whispering words of encouragement into my ear, telling me that I was going to be ok, that He was going to be my comforter, my counselor, my go-to, my one to cry to, my protector and my friend. My entire life, I have been incredibly blessed with a multitude of friends that make me pinch myself they are so sweet to me, and I think, for the first time in my life, I am at a place where I have no friends, in the sense of ones that I have known for a while and on whom I feel like I can truly lean—and I think this is where He wants me to be.

Yesterday, I woke up with a bad fever and chills and it was altogether, not a great day, health wise. Melanie was my Florence Nightengale and stayed by my side the entire day to fluff my pillow, be my chef, get me more water, position the fans to my liking-she was the picture of a true friend and servant. There was a time yesterday when I was seriously considering packing up my bags and getting on the plane with her; there were doubts and questions as to why I am doing this, why must I stay until October, why can’t I just go home and say I tried it, but it wasn’t for me? I prayed a rather bold prayer and asked God to lead me one way or another-to stay here in Belize or to go home; later that afternoon, I started to gain my strength and felt more and more that my time here in Belize is not yet meant to come to a close; for whatever reasons, I am meant to be here for a while longer. I think God can answer in the form of a nudging and also in the form of a feeling, which is what I got yesterday. The hotel owner and a principal of the high school in town both came by to tell me that if I needed anything, to please call; they would fix me anything or I could lie on their couches, etc. That was the reassurance I needed that I was going to be ok and that my health had made me doubt myself and my reasons for being here. My newly-appreciated strength assures me that I am supposed to be here.

Upon arriving in Belize, I have wanted to read a Psalm a day; a goal, I realize, not too lofty but one that I thought I could accomplish. After writing in my journal, I picked up the Bible and today’s psalm made me smile not only because it is how I am feeling but because it speaks of words I feel and desires I have.

“I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (Psalm 18: 1-2)

A friend said to me earlier to soak up this time and to spend time resting and sitting with God. As I’ve said before, I know I will long for time, something that is a-plenty down here, something I am learning to BE in. I desire to BE in this place, this country of Belize, where I am not surrounded by friends I know,but surrounded, so clearly, by God. I desire to go to Him with my weaknesses, with my doubts, my frustrations and my worries and to allow Him to be my guide , my rock and my friend. As I write, I look out of my window and see two palm trees swaying in the wind, the water calmly moving in the distance, a pretty violet-colored bush to the right, kids playing across the street in the park and I ease into relaxation, into calm moments of peace, into soft embraces from God and into gentle reminders that He is with me. I know not exactly what the next few weeks and months entail for me, but I do know that today, Sunday, July 27th is day I’ll remember for quite some time; I day I was not particularly looking forward to, turned upwards to a true hug and a true sense of calm. A day I want to embrace and allow myself to BE here, right here, right now, in this moment.

As I was wrapping up this post, the principal from the high school and his family came by to check on me. He had heard that I was sick yesterday and they wanted to make sure I was ok. His wife gave me a warm hug and I told her that my mom would appreciate another mom checking on me; she said anytime I am bored or need to be near a family and in a home, to please call her. Yes, another warm embrace from God. God, you amaze me and keep surprising me. I feel your arms and I thank you for them.