last blog from Belize...

Friday, September 19-my last full day in Belize. Strange. Surreal. Bittersweet. Before I left for Belize, a good friend of mine encouraged me to set aside a separate journal to write about my goals/thoughts/aspirations/hopes/desires for Belize so I got a small journal at Davis Kidd and went out to one of my favorite quiet retreats in Nashville (if I told you, you all might want to go, so I am keeping it to myself:) call me selfish!) and wrote pages and pages about Belize—my hopes, desires, anticipations, thoughts, etc. I brought that journal down here with me but for the past 2 ½ months, I have put it aside in a drawer and told myself that I would not read it until my last day in Belize. So, today was to be the day I would read it. I got to Tony’s and before opening up the pages of that journal, I decided to journal about how I was feeling today, on my last day, and what I would always want to remember about this time in Belize, this season of my life. I first wrote about time (something I have blogged about a few times) and how I will always look back on this period of my life and remember, quite clearly, how perfectly laid out before me was the time to spend with God. “Be still and know that I am God” is a verse I have heard many a time but it wasn’t until I truly sat still that I caught a glimpse of how God calls us to be. When we allow ourselves to be still, truly still, God shows up in ways we had not known and in ways we could not have seen had we continued with our busy lives. We so often try to be Martha, when God is calling us to be Mary (I feel like I am preaching a sermon giving you a verse to look up but this one is worth reading: Luke 10:38-42). Basically, Martha is the one who is running around “distracted by all the preparations” while Mary sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what He said. How many times have I run around busying myself with preparations and duties and schedules when all the Lord is calling me to do is SIT at His feet and rest. But doesn’t our society tell us that is better to be the Martha? Yes, and that is why it usually harder and more challenging to choose to sit and listen. When I first got to Belize, I admit that I did feel somewhat guilty sitting and journaling or lying in the hammock and reading and now, looking back, that is exactly what I needed to have done, exactly as God intended. Now, the question is can I be a Mary back in Nashville—a Mary in a Martha world (for those that have not read that book, another on the Presh book club list)? Is it humanly possible? No, b/c life will always have distractions and obligations and schedules to attend to—but with God’s help, we can learn to be Mary, to sit at His feet and rest.


The next thing I wrote about this morning, as I reflected back over my time in Belize, was about how God met me, so clearly, each and every morning to teach me new parts of Him and new parts of myself and in a word, I was (and am) taken aback at how simply beautiful life is. He opened my eyes to seeing life as a gift and it is ours to open and rejoice in each and every day; he opened my heart to feel like I’ve never felt before; and He is helping to me to realize that this freedom, this sense of clarity, this oozing peace is mine to have, forever, even after leaving Belize, even after leaving this season. As I wrote, I began to feel truly overwhelmed at how much God loves me—and loves you—and we don’t have to be some perfect being who is always good, always says the right things—all He is asking us to do is to open up our hearts to how much He loves us and it is just overwhelming, really (but in SUCH a good way!) I journaled about how I never want to stop feeling, never want to become numb to feeling—always want to feel this ALIVE and full of JOY. I know there will be times of despair, sadness, isolation—and all the other negative or hard feelings out there—but I know, in my heart of hearts, that God is there for me, holding my hand through each of those emotions, each of those feelings and each of those longings.

After journaling about what I was feeling and what I would always remember about my time here, I decided it was time to open up the other journal, the one I had written only days before leaving for Belize. The first thing I wrote about as a goal/thought was that I didn’t want my life in Belize to look like my life in Nashville, where I run from obligation to obligation. I laughed when I read that b/c God knew me so well that he had to bring me to a place like Belize, where I couldn’t run from commitment to commitment; where I would be in my apartment by 6:00pm every night and not go out again until morning. Ok, well, that was taken care of; God answered that prayer! The next thing I wrote about was time and how I wanted my time in Belize to be all about God and for God—in my relationships, the people I meet, how I spend my time and I wanted, more than anything, for my time to be spent how God wanted me to spend it and that it be filled with Him, every day. I longed (I wrote) to feel His presence like I never had before—craved to sit at His feet and just listen. Longed to feel His love, feel His grace, and feel His beauty around me like arms. I read this and huge alligator tears filled my eyes just so perfectly timed with a huge breeze coming across my face (one might say it was a hug from God). Why? B/c that was what I was just writing about this morning; that was exactly what I have been feeling during my time in Belize. His love has never been more real to me than it has down here; His beauty daily surrounds me and He has allowed me to sit at His feet for hours on end and He has met me there, every time. God is definitely in the details. He knew what was so much on my heart before I left and He carved out this time, oh so perfectly, to not only answer those goals and aspirations, but so beautifully surpass (as only God can) all hopes and thoughts about this time. You may (or may not) remember my first blog once I got here; it was about me picturing God and some angels giving me a huge box and they waited in the wings as I opened it—and inside were a thousand hugs and well-wishes and words of encouragement from all of you, my friends and family—I had never felt so surrounded by love as I had before I left. This morning, I thought about that image that I had 2 ½ months ago—and thought about how I feel now. I feel now that I am going home with that same box—filled with the same hugs, words of encouragement, emails of comfort, smiles—but what is also inside is a gift from God. What he has placed in the box are a million notes, each one telling me ways He loves me, tender reminders of how He met me, soft breezes to bring me back to Belize, warm embraces of beauty, little hugs---it is an endless package of packages—I could open one every day for the rest of my life and still have more. That is how God’s love is---never-ending, never-ceasing and never-stopping. Although God doesn’t give us an actual package to open, He does give us eyes to see, ears to hear, hearts to love and embrace the beauty that surrounds us, the magnificent serenity that enfolds us and the sweet shoulders to lean on. He is always present and never will He forsake us.

It is hard to know how to wrap up this blog, my final one in Belize (although I may have to write about how my transition back to Nashville was:). I guess the main emotions (or one is an action) I would say that is so heavy on my heart is JOY and ALIVE. I feel so full of joy, full of His love, full of happiness, full of joyful tender moments that make me smile and I am thankful to be alive. I know not what the future holds for me but I do know that God had me come to Belize for a multitude of reasons, but the main one was so that I would feel—and truly feel—this alive and this full of joy. All of our lives are different—we all have different struggles, different pains, different moments of happiness---but it is my prayer for EACH of you that you can all feel ALIVE and full of JOY because life is meant to be enjoyed, not dreaded. So, as I feel the soft breezes of Belize one last time, I pray for each of you and your precious hearts that you can sit still and feel God’s arms around you and know, oh so tenderly, that He loves you and cares for you more than your heart can even imagine.